My Tabloid Life

Okay, I'm not really leading a tabloid life, but I need to rant here for a little and some of it is my own fault.  See, I have a bit of an addiction to a little US Weekly and perhaps I have Perez Hilton bookmarked on my tool bar.  I'm part of the problem even though I now refuse to read any Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, or Palin Family articles anymore.  I'm just tired.  Give me scoop on Sandra Bullock and her cute baby or Shiloh's "Montenegro" style outfits, but save me from these famous-for-no-reason-people.  I like light and fluffy, not overexposed, talentless hacks, but lately I can't seem to avoid these paparazzi-on-speed-dial-manufactured-"stars".  Besides my willingness to buy the magazine or click on a link, I blame Alexis Neiers.  Why?  She started my tabloid month.

I was in downtown LA at the courthouse sitting on a bench one day (I'm not a criminal, just helping out someone on a case.) when I see this wild-eyed woman walk past me with a huge entourage.  Holy cow! It's that wacky, hippy dippy mom from Pretty Wild on E!.  I scour the crowd and see her daughter, Alexis Neiers, in the middle of the pack.  Ah, she's turning herself in today.  That's what you get for being part of the "Bling Ring" and breaking into Orlando Bloom's home.  (And Mazel Tov to him for getting married yesterday!)  This encounter led to a series of F-list encounters that comes full circle back to Lindsay Lohan and Alexis.

Earlier this week, I head off to the opening of SPiN Hollywood at the Mondrian.  This is a hip new ping pong bar owned by Susan Sarandon. Great, my reality show luck has turned as I see Susan, her gorgeous daughter, Eva Amurri, and a slew of ICM agents circling the VIP table.  An Oscar winner?  Score.  This is an A-list night.  Well, it WAS an A-List night until they all decided to go to dinner and the riff-raff took over.  Over in the far corner stood The Bachelor's, Vienna Girardi.  She looks much softer and prettier in person, but I just wanted to tell her that Jake Pavelka really did ping my gaydar, so she's much better off.  Then, the ultimate F-lister joins us.  Oh yeah, Michael Lohan.  He had been on every news outlet that would have him crying about how upset he was that Lindsay was jailed that day.  Waaahhh, waaaaahhhh.  Yeah, he's so upset that he HAD to attend the opening of a ping pong lounge.  Would you be out partying if your daughter was sent to jail that day?  Just saying.

Yep, that's Michael Lohan at the SPiN Hollywood party. See how upset he looks?  (Snort)  The best part is the SPiN employee's shirt:  "Balls are my business".  Awesome.


That's when we knew it was time to exit the building.  Susan's out, Michael's in, and with that, we hustled right back out onto Sunset Boulevard.  And Lindsay Lohan?  Well, she's sitting in a prison cell right next to Alexis Neiers.  Yep, Lindsay was a victim of the "Bling Ring" too.  Poetic justice or just another day in Hollywood, kids?

**UPDATE** As of Saturday, July 24th, Alexis Neiers has been released from jail.  Uh-oh, do my tabloid run-ins start all over again?  Stay tuned.......